New Year resolutions

Writing this will be so difficult, as 2015 was a bitch and I couldn’t help by making the statement clearer by setting off a post so as to conclude it.

Starting of the year, we got multiple failures and cobble stones on the dreams we had. We tried hard, and we just lost, in the midst of a chaos, hidden knives and backstabbing. We were strongly drawn into the center of an illusion, by someone I truly respected so I couldn’t reject. Oh, yeah, it was a time of anxiety.

Mid-year, I was so tired. We didn’t travel anywhere but decided to stay in Finland for the summer. Not so wise decision, as again, unluckiness keep banging on our head, waiting for us to give up. I collapsed when receiving the rejection letter of UK visa. Dark time, it was brutal in its physical sense.

Ending of the year, as if it cannot be worse, I got rejected for a trainee job. It’s the time when you literally see that you are screaming in vain, and all your efforts are purely wasted. Time after time, I tried and I failed, due to the “unexpected”: they suddenly realized they do not have enough quota, the school board were stingy in a few specific cases, etc.

SCRATCH IT AWAY!!!!!!! 2016, YOU CAN’T TREAT ME LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

There’s only one resolution this year, I refuse to condemn myself as life is trashing me away. I refuse to get upset again, refuse to be lazy and promise to change myself in this coming year. For every moment of this new year, it only consist accomplishments and satisfaction.

 

Away

  • Where have you been all the time?
  • What have you done in all those years?
  • What is your plan next?

All those people, you will have to talk to. All the problems, you would have to face with. And all those trip you would have to take.

Some would say graduating would cheer people up. It did, here it is:

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Tadaaaaaaaaaaa. Heads off to an official new start ❤

Silent parade

I would tell you one amazing thing about the place where I’m living: it’s silent. It’s not just simply quiet, but here people celebrate silence as a religion. I realized that essence after an event yesterday that I happened to join at the White Church. So amazing, it’s as beautiful as a normal parade, the only difference is like a black-and-white movie: you see all the smiles, all the happiness on people’s faces, without cheerios, clappings, etc. Amazing! One can never get tired to her findings in Finland.

In fact, come to think of it, I’m… kinda relating the silent parade to this one:

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You’re right, it’s a happy funeral :))

Is it sad?

The title is not a question, it’s rather an iterative exclamation point that has been made over and over many times. This country hides its beauty in a thick coat of grey stones and melting snow. You gotta dig a long way to find the treasure.

But again, who am I to judge any countries? Just a humble lady who was trying to pass me a basket of lemon and bread this morning, she motioned a toothless smile that touched my flimsy heart, I smiled back and paid her 10 euros.

Am I weak?

Am I fragile?

Am I honest?

A thousand of thoughts rushed in my head while I was laying in bed this morning. He held his hand along the table, put that ring on my tiny finger and murmured his proposal. It then suddenly moved to the view of a garden underneath an ancient church. Stepping on the empty hallway, the guard obliviously looked at me, then away. I suddenly flew back into Angkor Wat, the local restaurant that Nat took me to that day, so magical yet irrational. I woke up.

Dear friends, you would sometimes miss your old days so much that it’s hurt to continue walking. You would be afraid of your own country so much that you tried to stay away. But the more you hide, the more fragile you feel inside. You have to face it, no matter what kind of sadness it might give you. Face it, your conscience will never fail you.

 

Accomplishment

List of accomplishments in the past 2 days:

  • Final checking of thesis research
  • Presentation of findings
  • Finishing Creative Innovation Thinking
  • Submission to theseus.fi
  • Bucket list compilation
  • Singing to Bang Kieu’s songs at 10 AM :3

I think in life, it’s important to cherish these kinds of moment when it comes. You cannot feel accomplished everyday, because quality takes time. And one also needs time to truly understand the fullness of accomplishment.

At different times in life, you would change your opinion about priorities, what’s right and wrong. At different times of your life you would have to think about why you fail. Have you ever tried to understand why you win? Very few people did that, because “sugar blinds your eyes”. But it’s only yesterday that I know that’s it’s so important to know who you are, be aware of what you want and your capabilities. Those are the only things that can make you be happy in life.

From Helsinki with love ❤

 

 

 

Christmas spirit

So here it is coming to town to spread love and sparkle smiles in everybody’s heart. Christmas is one truly important occasion in a year, the transition time for people to reflect the old times and secretly wish for a vibrant, lucky new year. It’s such a joyous time that anyone, if they had never been in Europe during Christmas, could not fathom this meaningful time of the year.

I still remember two years ago when I first set feet to this cold region, I told myself that I had to get the best Christmas celebration. I traveled to Stockholm for 2 weeks to enjoy the season there but there was no snow. It was quite sad actually, because the friend who accompanied me to Sweden was not really enthusiastic about going out but staying indoors and talked to her new boyfriend. By that time, I just got through a disaster with a fucked-up guy so I was not exactly in a good mood either. I had two weeks of wandering in the Swedish freezing winter, lost at what I wanted to do next. Bad time.

Do you know this guy named Buddy in the Elf movies? For those who don’t, Buddy is a very lovable guy who was adopted by Santa Claus and in the movies, he was on the way to look for his biological father. Buddy was lovely, not just because he was so innocent, which I actually don’t really support that because it made him retarded sometimes. But I like him because his joy in making people happy was so authentic. Making people happy was Buddy’s source of happy, that was the reason he could not sit still and made people around him angry at times. The movies carry a subtle but strong message: Don’t get carried away by our daily worries, the most and only important thing you should do is to make yourself happy. It’s simple right? But how many of us are doing it? Are we really satisfied and happy at the end of our day?

Looking back, the reason why I was so sad in Stockholm two years ago was because I was hiding. I took travel as a mean to escape from my broken heart. I did not travel for happiness, but to get away from loneliness. Little did I know, that I actually should stay in Finland because there was a boy who joined in the Christmas dinner in Finland with my friends, later became my boyfriend until now.

It’s Joulu, don’t hide behind the doors, get yourself outside and smile like an elf!

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From Phoebe with ❤

Graduation

It’s coming very near. The fruit of two and a half year sticking my ass to Laurea’s library and without mentions, the thrill of ending something and start a new chapter in your life.

This morning we talked about how would it be different if I studied in Aalto university instead. In 2013, I was pretty unsure about my life when I applied for further study and at that time, even though I was on a waiting list to Aalto. By then, I knew that if I had waited for another year and re-take the test, I would definitely be admitted into the school. But I was sad, really sad, the younger me said she could not waste another 12 months and she wanted to run away from Singapore, so I went.

I think that kind of question: “Did I take a wrong move?” is one that we ask ourselves all the time. It’s becoming even more frustrating when you are not satisfied with your current situation and that question become an excuse for you to stop trying. Yes I said it, because some of us has the tendency to procrastinate and cling to the past. It ain’t ever a good reason because it’s just…. life. It’s unpredictable and the only thing you can do, and should do, is to unfold it without an expectation.

It was what I do everyday too, by being grateful for what I have instead of regretting for what I don’t have. They say Grace is the key to happiness and I felt true, it’s a miracle for me to be alive in this world and adsorb the beauty of it while it lasts. Life is full of choices and it’s our job to make a choice. Sometimes, we missed the best choice but then you will just have to believe that life will give you a compensation.

perfection